Erwin the Matchmaker
by wforeverjj
Summary: Prequel to Don't Cry Erwin's original plan as matchmaker for Petra and Levi. It doesn't go quite as well as he thought. Goofy Erwin and an out of character Hanji.


Attack on Titan

Petra x Levi; Rivetra

Prequel to Don't Cry; Erwin's original plan to play matchmaker for shy Petra and stubborn Levi. Goofy Erwin…be warned. And a side of out of character Hanji.

The Original Matchmaker

"Oh yes this is perfect," his thick eyebrows furrowed, "I have finally formulated the best plan to save this sad love story." The handsome blonde man with deep blue eyes intently ogled his masterpiece, basking in his intelligence. He sighed, flicking his silky hair to the left. Tiny droplets of sweat trickled down his face, accumulating right at his lips, but not before swiping it clean.

"God's heavenly powers bestowed me the courage and justice to come up with such a plan. Oh, it is so intricate, with its beautiful straight lines, realistic depiction, and…oh, its symmetrical-ness." A tight grin plasters his dry lips, as he pulls the sheet of paper up, kissing it slightly and absorbing its information….again. It was like the Holy Grail, for he dropped down to his knees and begged that it worked.

"I pray to the Lord that Eren Jaeger can spit hadoukens out of his mouth…" he closed his eyes, settling in the dark and silent atmosphere.

"And maybe acquire the eternal mangekyo sharingan…however," he rubbed his chin, "that would require him killing Mikasa or Armin and judging from his unstable manner, I highly doubt he will be able to handle such a thing."

He opened his eyes, glaring at the boring ceiling.

_When did I become so delusional? It's probably the god damn potatoes they keep feeding us and it's invading my mind like spores. Whatever, I'm getting off track. I can't let the others know of my true nature._

"Not only that Lord, make sure my brilliant idea does not falter, for I, Erwin, spilled my blood and sweat into this work. May the succubus not tempt me." Scrambling up, he points to the heavens, thanking the God for his witty plan.

"Hm, what is that…crap?"

His blue meridians meet a frame of glasses and his neck tickles.

"W-what are you doing here!?" He yelps, jumping into the nearest corner, shielding away his masterpiece. Cupping his neck, he points at the dark silhouette.

The figure was breathing slowly and its eyes seemed to be a ruby red, just like vampires. Gingerly, the entity saunters forward, its steps loud and clunky. Suddenly, soft piano rifts fill the room and it gets louder every time the figure comes closer.

"Holy shiettt, it's a witch. She has come to eat my soul because I look delicious! And why is music playing? This isn't a music room!" Erwin prances around in his little corner. The footsteps abruptly stop and Erwin turns his head around. His eyes are glued to the mysterious figure. He zones out and suddenly, his hearing becomes super sharp. He hears the figure gulp and breathe out, but surprisingly it's calm. Erwin shuts his eyes, praying to the lord.

_Oh God, please forgive my mishaps and lame wishes, but now, as you may see, I am in danger for a witch has come to eat my soul. _He continues to mutter to himself, but not before the figure steps into the light.

"I meant the crap you're holding in your arms Erwin." She crosses her arms before sucking in air.

"H-hanji?" He scrambles off his butt and runs toward her. "Wow, I thought you were some witch who wanted to swallow my soul! Ah, thank the lord for saving me be-"

"Why did you draw two perfectly symmetrical heads? And why is 'fools in love' scribbled over and over again?"

Hanji tilts her head, examining the weird picture in front of her. Then, that stupid expression covers Erwin's face and he checks both of his hands.

"How did you steal my masterpiece?" He shakes his hands, balling them into a fist.

"Is this about….Levi and Petra?" She murmurs, studying the picture harder.

Erwin stops his foolish stance and brings his fingers to his chin.

"So, someone understands what I'm dealing with." His expression calm and strict, exactly the same Erwin everyone believed him to be.

"Hm…yeah, Erwin are you trying to-"

"Yes I want to find a solution to the troubling souls of Petra Ral and Levi Ravioli." He nods.

"Wait what?" Erwin quickly shuts her up.

"It is my duty to help all those in denial. As you may know, two fools are currently in love with each other, but cannot admit their affections due to their personalities. One of them being the shy Petra. Of course, she is known for being a sweetheart and a cutie. I saw her on many occasions stealing glances at the midget, but I dare not to say such words. I believe confronting her will only bring guilt and sorrow to her eyes, for she most definitely will blame herself. And the other victim is of course, heichou Levi. His dark expressions and black hair kind of make him scary opposed to me. I am blonde and have very nice blue eyes, and usually, in such animes like ours, the blonde character is the dumbass that talks way too much, but is also the best looking. Many girls like the enigma, and Levi appeases those feels. However, many don't know that even Levi harbors such feelings, but if you re-watch episodes 21 and 22, you understand that Levi is no heartless bastard. Therefore, this 'crap' is not crap at all. It is the panacea to all frail hearts who wish that Rivetra existed." Then, the final smile.

"Wow, and I thought you were taciturn and cool," she yawns, "but as I was saying, Erwin the matchmaker, it's an interesting ordeal. I wanna help you."

Finally, that stupid big grin plasters his lips.

.

.

.

"Firstly, Jealousy is our best bet. If you read here, it says that we must make Petra and Levi jealous at the same time. Then, they will confess their love to each other at night and whisk away into love making that very same night." Erwin smiles, depicting his plan with his fingers. The light from the window shines through and glorifies his godly plan, which took about five minutes yesterday night to come up with; however, it didn't matter because anything was better than nothing.

"But all it says is 'fools in love'." Hanji yawns, her eyes a bit twitchy.

It was early in the morning, five thirty to be exact, when Erwin rounded Hanji up for a lesson about love. He wanted to make sure his plan was effective and sought Hanji's approval, but whenever she opened her mouth, he immediately shot her down, continuing his annoyingly long plan, which was mostly bullshit.

"Do you understand the plan Hanji?" Erwin asks, rubbing his neck. Wow, did he feel good.

Hanji stared at the clock. _He seriously went on for hours. _She felt saliva drip from her mouth but she didn't care. She just shrugged her shoulders. "Yes sir."

The Survey Corps had a quick mission to eliminate some titans from the west in order to secure some crops. It was quite boring, for all Erwin did was watch Levi finish all titans with his crazy, super turbo, amazing, flying, spiraling shit which was dangerous, but also very cool. Erwin only thought about his plan. He couldn't wait until victory. It wouldn't be long before he enacts his masterpiece of a plan.

Hanji abused her maneuver gear and flew from building to building, giggling in ecstasy. After slicing some titans, she decided to have a little fun. Not too long ago, her muscles were cramping due to sitting down for way too long. And it was all Erwin's fault. His ridiculous speech was funny though, as she chuckled when she remembered Erwin's stupid comments. Landing on top of a building, she squinted and noticed the area was clear. Immediately, she dropped to the floor, running to the group of happy people.

"I can't believe we won." Petra murmured, staring at the ground. Petra Ral made a promise to herself that she would work hard to protect the ones she loved. Every day she knew her life was on the line, but it didn't matter. As long as she could be close to a certain heichou, she was all dandy and fine.

Patting her shoulders, Levi hands Petra a cloth.

"You did well Ral. I'm very impressed." He deeply stares into her honey orbs.

Inside, Petra squeals and feels her blood squirming in her body at a fast pace. She slaps her cold hands onto her face, hoping to shield her reddening cheeks.

"Ah, heichou. You saw me?" her voice cracked a bit, "I was practicing that skill a lot and finally I used it! I'm pretty proud of myself, but heichou, you are always amazing. I can never be as good as you." She softly says, her voice mixed with hesitation and a spark of liveliness.

Levi opened his mouth, but suddenly…

"Hey Heichou! You were phenomenal man! I couldn't believe my eyes." Hanji's eyes shimmered in the bright sun, illuminating her beautiful brown eyes. She grabs Levi, shoving him into her chest.

"Man, I love your technique so much!" She presses him harder while brushing her hands through his smooth hair. Levi struggles, trying to push her away, but unfortunately for Levi, Hanji has been working on her muscles lately.

"Woman, stop this act!" His voice was muffled, sounding as if he was about to die.

Petra's eyes widen in shock and she reaches out to try to save the man she dearly cared about. However…

Hanji's mischievous eyes meet the eyes of the blonde fool, and somehow, telepathically they understand each other.

Erwin reaches forward and grabs onto Petra's tiny waist, rubbing her against his heavy built. "Oh dear Petra, Levi was right about you. You have definitely improved." He smiles brightly as his eyes disappear into moon crescents.

"Oh thanks Erwin. I really appreciate it." Petra bites her lips.

Erwin opens his left eye to take a quick glance at Levi. Hanji continues embracing the small guy and Erwin notices something different about Levi. It seems as if steam was rising from his face and his eyes seemed sharper and more hateful than usual. Erwin takes a step back and laughs. He laughs so damn loud. _ Ah, bingo bitches. _

.

.

.

"Your first plan did not work, idiot. All I got was a death glare from Levi and an almost crying Petra. What the hell?" Hanji pouted, staring away from the blonde man.

"Not all actions go according to the plan. Well, it does not matter. They could not confess to each other so plan B must be put to action immediately. Be ready Hanji!"

She only nodded.

In the mansion, Petra and Levi was cleaning. As many knew, Levi was a clean freak. This was Erwin's chance to get them together. Levi's weakness would only work to their advantage. And so, Erwin smirks.

"Hm, it's so sunny today." Petra squints, as she stares outside the window. "It's very pretty." She whispers. She continues dusting.

His footsteps light and airy, Erwin climbs the stairs, intricately placing a vase near the room Petra was sweeping up. He peaked through the ajar door, slapping his hand to his mouth to stop himself from giggling. _Perfect…she's almost done._

Tip toeing down, he signals Hanji. She smiles at the man and takes off to the opposite staircase.

Petra yawns, stretching her arms out and slipping her mouth mask down.

"Ah, all cleaned up! I'm sure that Levi will be happy." She spins around, heading toward the door. In one movement, she pushes the door open. Completely ignoring the front of her, she quietly hums a song to herself. Her soft fingers touch her lips and she thinks hard. _What am I going to do after this? Eat…sleep….or I could ask Levi out…oh no way! I can't possibly do that!_

"Hurry up heichou! I'm starving for some chicken."

"L-levi?" Petra blinks, noticing two bodies rushing down the opposite stairs, one pulling the other.

"I'm not done cleaning." He spits, cursing the lord.

"Ah, Levi! And Hanji?" Petra widens her eyes. Her body quickly dashes forward in an attempt to catch up to them. "Wait, I want some food too!"

Erwin, with his back leaned upon the wall closest to the stairs, shuts his eyes while counting. _1…2…3_

The shattering of glass echoes and Petra screams.

"Petra?" Levi mutters. Hanji silently laughs. She pulls her arm off of Levi and scurries away.

Petra gazes at the broken vase. She lifts up her hand, examining any signs of damage. None, but her behind hurts. As she was running down the stairs, she accidently kicked the vase and as a result, she fell on her butt. She crawls up to the closest wall and pulls herself up. She gently rubs her back, trying to mend the pain.

"Oh no, the vase." She winces before crouching down and observing the havoc she caused. "What do I do?" She grabs the nearest piece of glass. "It looks expensive." She cringes, terrified.

Running up the stairs, Levi forgets about everything else and only focuses on Petra. When he reaches her, he grabs her elbows. "Are you all right Petra? Do you have any scratches?"

She almost cries, but shakes her head. "I'm okay Levi," She glances at her feet, "but I think I broke this vase. I feel so bad. It looks like it cost millions of dollars." She bites her lips, hoping they do not bleed.

Levi stares at the mess. He scratches his head, not sure what to do.

"Well, someone has to clean it up." He pulls Petra closer to him.

"And since you broke it, you will do the honor of sweeping every piece of glass up. It better be spotless Petra." His black meridians stare deeply into shaky, caramel doe eyes, before descending down the stairs. "I'm going to finish cleaning the other room Petra. I'll come back and check on you."

Petra only nods, tears brimming her eyes.

Meanwhile…

"Oh that fool! I was for sure my plan would work this time. Damn you glory son of a bitch! You were supposed to tell Petra she was a naughty girl and make her your little errand girl until she satisfied you. Then you guys would get closer and closer, almost reaching the climax and your love for each other would be too much and your hearts would burst and so…fu-"

"Hanji chop!" She slams the book right into his head.

"What was that for? And where did you get that book?" He inquires, suddenly interested in the book.

"Fool, this isn't kiss kiss fall in love. It's serious. And stop prancing around." She sighs, rubbing her neck. Truthfully, she was sick of Erwin's stupid plan. He made no sense whatsoever, and fooled around too much. _I should have listened to his plans earlier so I could have bailed out earlier…he just talks way too much._ Hanji massages her head, feeling some sort of headache appearing.

Erwin halts. Hanji did have a point.

"You're right Hanji. This isn't kiss kiss fall in love. It's definitely kiss kiss break the fucking vase and clean it up."

.

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And so Erwin's precious plan never worked. It wasn't until two weeks later that he formulated a plan that actually made sense. He knew exactly how they worked now. He just had to indirectly make them confess to each other. Ah, but it was difficult.

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"Petra, I love you. Will you be mine?" Levi breathes into her ear.

Petra nods, closing the space between the two of them again.

Erwin smiles a genuine smile. Finally, he accomplished his duty of providing happiness to all his comrades, even if it never lasts. As long as they were happy now, nothing really mattered. Except those goddamn titans and delusional fangirls.

Author's note: Hey welcome back. So I haven't wrote jack for Rivetra because they were too damn sad and I always bawled my eyes whenever I went to their tag on tumblr. This fanfic is my breath of fresh air. It centralizes on Erwin's plan, but it's also Rivetra, so I don't really know what the hell it is. I was lazy and so this is not proofread yet. I asked my sister but she got shit to do. I'll give you cookies for pointing out all the other animes I indirectly referenced. Fare well, I probably won't write another fic until the summer.


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